One Month.. Of "crazy"...

Whirlwind

Dear Helam,
Today marks the first of many months you have been here with me. Looking at me, watching me, snuggling me. I would like to just tell you how much you have meant to me for more than just this one month.
In January of 2008, your dad and I were in attendance of one of our good friends sealings in the Salt Lake Temple. Up to that point, we had prayed about having more children and never received a firm answer. We thought that your brother Gannon would be our last. Until this sealing that is. While we were listening to Elder Hinckley speak to Heather and Daniel, a shock came over both your dad and I. We knew that we were to have at least one more. What an amazing feeling. We knew that our family would expand again.
Then May came. I woke up to a vivid dream. I then woke your dad up and told him that I was supposed to take a test on that day. And there it was. The two lines saying I was pregnant! I was overjoyed and freaked out at the same time.
I would like to let you know, that I will never forget how much I cried the day I heard your heartbeat. Or the first time I saw your tiny body on the ultrasound machine. I will never forget how afraid I was, even after they told me that you looked like a very healthy baby boy.
Then you came. I was so happy. You were beautiful, stunning. Your fingers were fat and long and you had huge feet. Your hair was the most beautiful color I had ever seen. I got to watch you have your first bath. It was an amazing experience. I will never forget how you felt inside my belly. How you would kick and turn and hiccup. What an amazing feeing, but I am so glad that you are here with me.

Fear

Not long after I had you, I woke up in a pool of blood. That must have been Heavenly Fathers way of telling me “this is it for you girl”. I have never been so afraid in my entire life. I remember looking in your fathers eyes and seeing his calm reaction to it all. He was trying to reassure me. His eyes were the deepest blue I have ever seen. Even with all my hysterics, he was brave!
The fear I had then was nothing like the fear I have everyday with you, or your brothers and sisters. I worry for all of your health, for the world that you are living in, and for the day that I might loose one of you.

Strength

Over the last month, I have had many people use the word “strong” when referring to me. I am not as strong as I would like, but I can say that I receive my strength from many women. My Mom, who raised three daughters alone. My grandma, who not only raised four of her own children, but she helped her mother with her siblings and has helped in the rearing of the numerous grandchildren and great grandchildren. My Aunt, who has lost a child and still presses forward each day to keep her family together. They have all shown me how to be a better mother and for them I am grateful.

Crazy

I like to refer to myself as “crazy”. Not crazy for having seven children. But crazy for having a husband who I am still madly in love with. Crazy for being excited to have your sisters arrive home from school and be so loud I can’t hear myself think. Crazy for being ready for anything that each one of you tosses my way. I like to be this “crazy”.

Helam, I love to watch you. I love how you consume me! I love the way you make tiny sounds all of the time. I love the little hairs on your ears. I love how you hold my fingers all of the time, like you never want me to let you go. Just know that I won’t! You will always be my son whom I love dearly. You and your siblings mean more to me than anything in this world. So how is that for “crazy"?!?

Love,
Mommy