The realization that I am not having any more children is setting in. I'm pretty sure it should have set in a long while ago, but it hasn't.
The other realization is I am sad! There I said it.. (this is like therapy) I am overly sad that I am not having any more children. I know that I should be happy with what I have. I am! But I still feel like there is a huge chunk missing.
I cry every day. I'm selfish. I keep hoping for a miracle.
I also feel horrible because I know there are so many people in this world who have troubles with having babies and it makes my heart break for them. It also makes me feel like a total jerk because here I am with 7 and there are people who would give anything to have just one. But here I am a selfish person who just wants more.
Yesterday I was having a "terrible, horrible, no good very bad day". I laid in bed most of the day with Emer (she isn't feeling well) and I looked over and saw that she was sleeping. She looked so peaceful. She looked like a miracle. It was then that I realized that I have so many miracles and I need to focus on them and not the I wants.
I need to focus on the things that I have! I need to remember that my Father in Heaven loves me! I need to remember that El loves me and my kids love me.. Most of all, I need to remember that I love me.... I think this will help me through this ick time...
I'm sorry. That must be hard. I hope you are doing okay. You are brave in my eyes for having seven already. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd I hope you are getting sleep. I am not sleeping, but I like to think that everyone else I know is sleeping for me.
Love you!!
Angie I am sorry.... You are such an amazing mom and I really look up to you and your awesomeness!! Any day of the week you can borrow my newest one!! You could even keep her overnight, thus helping your sleeping problem...a few nights with her and you can pretty much sleep anytime, anywhere!!! :) I think you are amazing for being so "selfish"...I wish I could be more like you!!!
ReplyDeleteOh Angie, what an amazing little lady you are! I can't believe you have 7 and you are saying that, I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you feel that way. It's the greatest gift of all to be a mommy and what a great one you are. Have you thought about adopting???
ReplyDelete