The realization that I am not having any more children is setting in. I'm pretty sure it should have set in a long while ago, but it hasn't.
The other realization is I am sad! There I said it.. (this is like therapy) I am overly sad that I am not having any more children. I know that I should be happy with what I have. I am! But I still feel like there is a huge chunk missing.
I cry every day. I'm selfish. I keep hoping for a miracle.
I also feel horrible because I know there are so many people in this world who have troubles with having babies and it makes my heart break for them. It also makes me feel like a total jerk because here I am with 7 and there are people who would give anything to have just one. But here I am a selfish person who just wants more.
Yesterday I was having a "terrible, horrible, no good very bad day". I laid in bed most of the day with Emer (she isn't feeling well) and I looked over and saw that she was sleeping. She looked so peaceful. She looked like a miracle. It was then that I realized that I have so many miracles and I need to focus on them and not the I wants.
I need to focus on the things that I have! I need to remember that my Father in Heaven loves me! I need to remember that El loves me and my kids love me.. Most of all, I need to remember that I love me.... I think this will help me through this ick time...